Separation changes a relationship between two adults, but where children are involved, it does not end their responsibilities as parents.
For some separated couples, co-parenting develops naturally. For others, communication may be difficult and emotions can remain raw.
Successful co-parenting does not require former partners to become close friends. What matters is finding a workable way to make decisions, communicate and provide children with stability and security. Northern Ireland family law places the welfare of the child at the heart of decisions concerning children
Carla Fraser, Partner and Head of Family Law at Allsopp Campbell Rainey, explains: “Parents sometimes feel that successful co-parenting means they have to get on brilliantly after separation. It doesn’t. You can have quite separate lives and still work together effectively when it comes to your children.”
Keep Children Out of Adult Conflict
One of the most important principles is also one of the simplest: disagreements between parents should remain between the adults.
Arguments at handovers, criticism of the other parent in front of children or asking them to carry messages between homes can place them in an extremely difficult position.
Children should not feel they have to choose sides or worry that enjoying time with one parent will upset the other. However difficult the adult relationship may be, shielding children from conflict should remain a priority.
Put the Child at the Centre of Decisions
The child’s welfare comes first. The Children (Northern Ireland) Order 1995 provides the principal legal framework governing parental responsibility and arrangements for children.
That child-centred approach is equally useful outside court. When parents disagree about holidays, school arrangements, activities or routines, it can help to ask not “What do I want?” but “What works best for our child?”
As Carla explains: “It is very easy after a difficult separation for every disagreement to feel like part of the wider dispute. Bringing the conversation back to what the child actually needs can completely change the tone.”
Communication Doesn’t Have to Mean Conversation
Not every separated couple communicates well face-to-face, and they do not necessarily need to.
Email, messaging or co-parenting apps can provide practical ways to share calendars, school events, medical appointments, expenses and other information. Apps like AppClose and OurFamily Wizard are widely used in Northern Ireland and come highly recommended.
Having one agreed channel can also reduce misunderstandings where communication is strained. Whatever method is used, communication should ideally be brief, respectful and focused on the children rather than revisiting the former relationship.
Consistency Helps Children Feel Secure
Children generally benefit from knowing what is happening and when. Clear arrangements around where they will stay, collection and drop-off times, school holidays and important occasions can provide valuable stability.
Both households do not have to operate identically, but agreeing some basic boundaries and avoiding unnecessary last-minute changes can make life easier for children and parents alike.
Be Flexible When It Matters
Consistency is important, but so is reasonable flexibility.
Birthdays, family celebrations, school events and unexpected circumstances will sometimes require arrangements to change. A relationship in which both parents can occasionally accommodate each other is often more sustainable than one where every arrangement is immovable.
That flexibility should work both ways.
When Parents Cannot Agree
Where parents cannot agree arrangements for their children, Northern Ireland courts have powers under the Children (Northern Ireland) Order 1995 to make orders dealing with issues including where a child lives, contact and particular disputes concerning parental responsibility.
Legal advice can help parents understand their rights and responsibilities and explore whether agreement remains possible before positions become entrenched. Parties are expected to explore resolution via solicitor correspondence before issuing court proceedings. Sometimes the court children’s officer will facilitate mediation.
You Are Still a Parenting Team
The end of a relationship changes family life, but it does not have to make parenting a permanent source of conflict.
As Carla Fraser explains: “You don’t have to spend Christmas together or agree about everything to be good co-parents. The aim is to create a relationship where your child knows that, when it matters, both parents can put their differences aside and make decisions for them.”
For some parents that relationship may become warm and friendly. For others it may remain polite, structured and relatively distant. Either can work.
The important thing is that children are not placed in the middle and can continue to have secure, positive relationships with both parents wherever appropriate.
Carla Fraser and the Family Law team at Allsopp Campbell Rainey provide practical advice aimed at resolving difficulties and keeping the needs of children at the centre of the process. Contact Carla Fraser or the Allsopp Campbell Rainey team.